Light in the Darkness
I hope you will forgive my absence these last two weeks. I had several projects planned for my blog and I have not been able to work on any of them.
I could attempt to feign a much more positive attitude than I actually possess but I do not know that it would accomplish any purpose except to further alienate myself from… well, myself. These last two weeks have been hard on me. Not that anything extraordinarily bad has happened, in fact my life has been quite ordinary. The hardship comes only from myself.
Let me explain a little bit better and tell you something very personal about me. I have PTSD or post traumatic stress disorder. And bluntly put – it sucks.
My mind works against me. What I know to be true does not always have the capability of overcoming what my mind THINKS to be true. It is not only in my head. When one of my triggers hit me, it translates into very real physical symptoms. So you wind up with the me of right now instead of the true me.
I do not like the me right now. The me right now is scared…terrified. The me right now wants to withdraw from from friends and family so no one and nothing can hurt her -the true me loves having people I love surrounding me. The me right now is short tempered and coarse – the true me strives to live life with patience and love. The me right now stays awake at night crying -the true me sleeps soundly in my husband’ arms.
I used to think these types of sickness were excuses but the more I think about it, the more I believe that God allowed me this trauma…and the repercussions of it… so that I may learn compassion. Do not, please do not, mistake me. I would rather not live with this. And I am much better than I was two years ago when my trauma occurred. But I am learning- HAVE to learn- on a day to day basis and my pain teaches me to feel more deeply for other who must feel theirs worse.
Two years ago,when I was confronted by a trigger, for hours and sometimes DAYS after-wards I would physically be ill. I could not even carry on an intelligible conversation. I would shake. I would weep. I would be unable to care for my basic needs,much less those of anyone else. But I am getting better.
In case you have not guessed, yesterday I was confronted with my Main Trigger… and I have borne it. My head is not right yet, I stilled woke my husband up crying but I am functioning. I did not shake but for a few minutes. My mom rushed over as soon as I called her (which was right after it happened) and only stayed an hour. I was mostly calm when she was here and made the children lunch. We chatted about my nephew’s party tomorrow and my step-brother’s wedding that I am planning. I still woke my darling up last night crying, and he stayed up until five am talking to me about everything but I am going to be okay.
I am still suffering the effects now – hence the reason I am blogging at four am- but I am going to be okay. I am going to be happy. The terror is there but I will not be scared. Sharing this with you,you who do not know me and you who do, helps. I will not be ashamed because I did not choose this for myself. This is a very dark road when, with my whole heart, I wish nothing but to walk in the light. This way is fraught with horror when I desire only peace. But the dawn begins to break,the first bird of the morning to rejoice and I realize that there is nothing but fear keeping me in the shadow.
I will embrace this day and I will not fear.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and lean from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and your souls will find rest. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. “